Log in

No account? Create an account

Stuff and things

Time for more moaning.  It's what I need to do!

So, for at least a year, Simon was off the booze completely.  It was great, we had money, he was healthy, things were better.  Recently he's started drinking again, he says it's anxiety and boredom.  But the problem these days is every time he drinks he is ill, he either throws up or has the runs and I have to clean the bathroom, toilet and change the bed.  Not fun for me at all.  It's getting to the point where I'm utterly depressed every time it happens.  Back to the bad old days of constant depression, anxiety and lack of sleep for me.  Last weekend I was up all night with him throwing up, I had to clean the toilet 3 times, change the bed, wash pillows and the carpet.  I was exhausted.  I can't go on like this.

I don't know what to say, nothing works.  I've tried reasoning with him, asking him, trying to engage him in other things, but all he wants to do is drink and stare at the computer screen.  I'm at my wits end again.  He's got a mental health assessment soon, by phone, (he's already had one face to face) so I am hoping against hope they can offer some therapy or something as I'm so fed up with all this.

It doesn't help that I'm going through my own problems right now.  What with the Asperger's diagnosis, and now I'm told I'm depressed again, with pending counselling due to me.  Having to deal with all that, trying to keep the house clean with illness, the bills done with various problems and the constant worry my brain is slipping away from me, it's not good when I also have this too.  I need a break from all the worry, trauma and stress.

Happy Anniversary!

I've had this blog for ten years!  How time flies when you're whinging and complaining!  Yay!

That wasn't the reason for me logging on today, but a happy coincidence nonetheless.

No, I'm here to whinge, again.  What's a blog for, unless it's whinging?  Nobody reads it anyway, except me, and it's nice to get shit off my chest.

Where was I?  Oh yes, feeling utterly crappy today, low energy, dizzy, tired, exhausted in fact.  Partly due no doubt to having been kept up half the night by Helly.  Until a few weeks ago, she was pretty well behaved at night, and it was Frost that bugged me, woke me up and caused problems when low on food.  He's settled down, and now Helly has taken over as naughty night cat.  She just wants to go out.  All the time.  All night.  And I can't let her do that, she's never done it before, and I don't want to start now, because I'm going to end up never sleeping at night again as I go up and down stairs, letting cats in and out all night.

She's persistent.  She'll sit on my nightstand and tap me.  Then she'll scratch at the covers, tap me, jump on me, sit on me and whip my face with her tail.  For hours and hours.  I tried ignoring her, like all the cat guides say, and she keeps at it.  Last night she kept me awake until 4am, hassling me every few minutes for 4 hours to go out.  That's persistent and then some.  I don't know what she wants.  I put food out, biscuits, I open the blind, back she comes, tap tap tap.  I go down and follow her about, she just sits at the back door with a wild look on her face.

It's not like she doesn't get out during the day and evening.  The back door stays open until human bed time most days, but still she feels the need to wake me over and over and over.  I'm shattered.  I don't know what else to do.  My last resort is planting a bunch of grass in a pot and bringing it indoors, in case it's grass she wants to eat.  I'm at my wits end here, I just need a decent night of sleep.


It's all getting on top of me again.  Too many things to deal with, all at once.

I need yet more blood tests, this time to see if I'm allergic to beef.  Great.  So I phone the usual number, only to be told it's now all done at the GP.  Fucking marvellous.  SO instead of popping about 1.3 miles down the road to the hospital, where they test the blood, I now have to travel several miles to the GP surgery, so they can take my blood, send it to the hospital for testing and then give me the results.  Does this sound like more hassle to anyone else?  Plus I hate going to the GP for bloods.  They only do it on Wednesdays, and it's always crowded and noisy in there then.

And why didn't they bloody tell me this when giving me the blood test request form at the GP?

Cleaning, too much to do, no energy to do it, it gets messier, dirtier, worse every day.  Today I tried to clean the bathroom, only to have the shower hose fall off in my hand.  Now it's broken and won't go back on, so I've had to message the landlord to come fix it.  Great.  On top of that we have bloody flies everywhere, the cats are leaving food so it gets fly eggs on, everything needs cleaning, weeds are growing faster than I can cut them down and it's all just too much!

To say I'm stressed and anxious might be an understatement.

It never ends

Back in 2011 I wrote about leaving Sky, and the problems I had with disconnecting from them.  They demanded £77 after I spent half an hour on the phone with them trying to cancel their service.  Eventually the problem was resolved with various phone calls (so, no paper trail) and the matter was done.  I owed nothing and I carried on with life.

Then 6 months ago I get a random letter from Sky saying I still owe them the £77!!  WTF??  So I wrote to them, explaining that this matter was resolved 5 years ago and that I did not owe a thing, according to whomever I spoke to at the time.  Nothing for months, so I thought the matter was resolved.  Now this week I get a letter from a debt collection agency demanding this money.  WHAT?  This was resolved 5 years ago, why are they suddenly saying I owe this money again?  Why do they still have my account details after 5 years?  Why are they not responding and resolving this problem?

Utterly ridiculous.  Not really sure what to do about this, as phoning seems to do nothing, writing seems to do nothing.  I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall!

An open letter to 'Jane'...

(Part of my ongoing therapy, which includes CBT for PTSD from my old job, you remember the job from hell, right?)

I have PTSD, according to my therapist.  I've had 12 weeks of therapy so far, and I am getting more as the weeks pass.  We worked through the depression, the anxiety, and progress was made.  Then we touched on the subject of my not having been able to work for the past 5 years.  I had explained about the job I'd had before, and as I did, I started to have a panic attack.  She talked me through mindful breathing exercises and I recovered.  She realised I had a big problem here and over the weeks, PTSD was discovered.  It was a shock to me, and hard to accept.  I started that job over 7 years ago, and finished it 5 years ago, and yet the memories are as fresh as if they happened yesterday.  So I decided to tackle this rather than avoid it as I had been doing for so many years.  I decided to write an open letter to my 'abuser', the bully that ruined my life for so long.  She'll never see it, and I doubt I would ever say any of this if I ever saw her again, but this needs saying.  Here we go...

You are a bully, you are an abuser.  You took a hard working, relatively sane person and turned her into a depressed, anxious, traumatised wreck.  You singled me out for abuse, you picked on every little thing that I did, and you twisted it against me.  You made me sick.  Your reign of terror brought about pains in my shoulder from the pointless task you had me do day in and day out.  I got tendonitis in my right shoulder, and when I explained I could no longer do that task, you  made my life hell.  You insinuated I was a liar, you demanded medical results, which were given, and only then was I allowed to not do the task that caused me great pain.

Then you found other things to pick on me for.  Everything from musical tastes (classical music is oh so awful, right?), to my transport problems and my growing health concerns.  Even the way I breathed!  You bullied me into postponing my physiotherapy for my painful shoulder so you could go on holiday.  You hauled me into HR for daring to have a panic attack in your office.  You timed my toilet breaks after I had told you several times about IBS, and the bladder problems I was having.  You treated me like scum, like I was less than human.  You pushed me into a corner I could not get out of.  You bullied me.  You abused me.

FIVE YEARS later, five years after the job from hell ended, I now have generalised anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder, as well as Pernicious Anaemia, which began while I was under your regime, and which symptoms include 'the sighs' (problems breathing and getting oxygen into the body) that you endlessly berated me for, the bladder/IBS problems you humiliated me about, the dizzy spells I'd put down to stress which you rolled your eyes at like I was making it up, and more.  I was not faking it, I was not skiving, I was harassed, bullied and abused by you.

Because of you, I may never work a full time job again.  Heck I haven't worked for the past five years.  The treatment I am getting might help me overcome the memories, but I don't think I will ever be the hard working individual I once was.  I have you to thank for that.  Your schoolyard bullying has left me incapable of doing a regular job.  You carry on working, paying taxes, and I get to live the rest of my life being unable to do that.

But you know what?  I am not to blame here.  This is NOT my fault.  Yes I am different to you, but I am not defective, and I am not less worthy than you.  This is YOUR doing, your deliberate intent, and I am not going to sit here and take the blame for it.  I will overcome this in my way, as best as I can, and I will do it in spite of you, and to spite you.  I may not work again, but I can still write, and I will overcome the brain fog and memory lapses with help and support, and I will sell more books than you've had days off to go shopping.

I am going to put you, and your reign of terror behind me, with help and support, and then you will fade from my life and I will continue along this path that I have been pushed onto.  And I will make it work, and you'll be the insignificant one.

What no boiler?

The boiler broke down Tuesday morning.  It's the beginning of February and bloody cold out.  Now it's bloody cold in as well.  I messaged the landlord at noon on Tuesday, and eventually he got back to me saying he'd messaged the plumber.  About 7pm the plumber rings to say he will send someone round the next day.  So, Tuesday was spent being cold all day and night.  Wednesday morning the plumber comes, spends an hour and a half taking the boiler apart and finds a fauly air pump, which has water in.  It needs a new pump, he says, and leaves.  He can't say when a new part can be sourced, so I spend most of the day being cold.  There's no heat, no hot water, so no showers, washing up involves boiling the kettle 3 times and did I mention it's cold?

Wednesday evening about 6pm the plumber calls and says he's just finishing a job but will then pick up the part and be over to fix it.  Great.  I start to think I won't have to spend the night freezing under the covers.  He calls about an hour later to say the place that has th epart didn't leave it in the collection point, and short of breaking into the store, he can't get it to fit it until they open Thursday morning.  Not much I can do, I resign myself to endless hot water bottle filling, wearing gloves in the house and being under blankets as it's too cold to do anything else.

Thursday morning.  It's just after 10am here, and still nothing from the plumber.  It's been days since I had a shower, the washing up is mounting and it's very cold.  I am starting to lose hope of ever having the boiler fixed, and being cold forever.  I'm fed up, I need a shower, I need to get things done, but I can't get going at all because it's too cold.  Frustrating.

So, last week's therapy, was week 8 apparently.  She said there were 4 more sessions at the end of the last one and I felt a surge of anxiety.  12 weeks is all I get?  But there are so many things I have yet to touch on, such as the trauma from my past job affecting my ability to even contemplate ever working again.  What I have so far is helpful, and I do feel less anxious and angry, but there are so many more things that need fixing.

All in all a bit of a shit week really.

Sing it with me, "Therapeeeee!"

Today's therapy went quite well I think.  We discussed 'worry' in more detail, and I was given more handouts to read and go over, including the 'worry tree'.  The thing I struggle with is the 'let it go' part.  She didn't explain how one lets worries go, but the action after that is to do something to take your mind off it, so maybe you let it go after engaging the brain in other things.  I will try that and see if it works.  She also showed me a breathing exercise to do which helps relax you, and calm your mind when it's churning away, usually at night.  It's all about breathing from the belly, counting in and out the breaths and imagining there is a balloon you need to inflate and deflate inside you.  It was very relaxing.  Hopefully I can do this when I can't sleep or when I am stressed out.

Break down

I had a little break down in therapy last Friday.  We were discussing the week's planner and the mood chart I fill in, and discussed the reasons why I get upset and worried.  I ended up crying, and afterwards I was quiet, and upset for most of the session.  I think it gave the therapist a chance to see behind the various masks I wear, for a few moments.

I realised that I used to cope with the drinking a lot better than I am now.  I realised that I have to re-learn the coping mechanisms I had in place last year, the ones that got me through the bad days and nights.  I am working on that.

So far this week has been pretty good.  Been out with friends a lot in the past few days, which was very cathartic.  Even with their own problems etc, it was nice to step out of my own head, worries etc for a while and try to help another person.  It's shifted the perspective somewhat and helped me more than I thought at first.

On Sunday, my partner's half brothers are coming over with his dad's ashes, they will be spread on the river Mersey, then we will all have a walk and a Sunday dinner at a pub.  This is the point in the timeline where the most could go wrong, from his mental health perspective.  I need to be vigilant and helpful and keep things calm and easy going over the next week or two.  I am hoping that once he's got closure, things will slowly start to be a little easier.

Worries etc

Just brain-dumping here, nothing to see, move along!

I'm worried about my partner.  He's going through the emotional wringer at the moment, and I don't know what I can do to help.  Because he is going through this turmoil, he's drinking (although nowhere near as bad as it used to be) and that makes him ill.  Seeing him rush back and forth to the toilet, pale, shivering and shaking, just tears me apart.  I wish I could fix it.  I wish I could find another way for him to work through this time of mourning without doing the obvious harm to himself that I see.  He misses medication, he is sometimes sick, he cannot retain food inside his body and it escapes from the nearest exit.  That can't be good.  I don't know what to do, I don't have the magic words to fix it, nobody has.  It will take time, I suppose, but I really hope he comes through this before he does more damage to himself.

I've been referred for diagnosis for Aspergers, which will be interesting.  Also, I don't need to have blood tests before B12 injections any more which is a huge relief, as it's one less phone call, one less trip to the hospital and one less needle in my arm.  I have my next B12 injection booked for Monday, so that will help.  Nobody batted an eyelid when I booked it 2 weeks before it was technically "due" so that's good.  In the meantime, I still have so many things that need doing and I don't know how to cope.  I need to get the manky blinds down from the windows and replace them with easier to reach net curtains which can be easily washed when dirty.  I can't handle the blinds, they're breaking, dirty and awful.  I also need to go through all the clothes we have and sort, throw out, and tidy them all up.  And I really would like to go through my books, sort, order and tidy them, and move all the book cases to the one room so they're all together.  But, I don't have the physical strength to do all of these things, not if you add in the daily housework that I already fell behind on due to dizzy/exhaustion and so forth.  It feels like it will never end!
There was a break over Xmas and New Year but therapy is back in session.  Things are slowly starting to click into place.  We discussed the fact that I, like many people who have physical or mental illnesses that leave you tired one day and with energy the next, often do what she called "crash and burn".  I am tired and without energy for so long that things slip by me, and then when the energy returns, I do ALL THE THINGS and end up bringing about the next crash.  Rinse and repeat.  She suggested instead to parcel out the jobs and not do too much at once, thereby hanging onto that precious energy for longer.  This should help keep the next crash at bay, reduce it's harshness, or even stop it altogether, levelling out energy levels.  I shall try to do this, although it is hard when so many things need doing, and they're nagging at me when I walk into a room.

The other thing we discussed was Automatic Thoughts, again.  She went over my homework and explained what each part meant.  I had to write down my thoughts and feelings during an angry or anxious situation.  Then I had to write down alternative thoughts.  I had struggled at this part, as I could not think what alternative thoughts I could have had.  She explained that when I am angry, or anxious, or low in mood, I often think things about myself such as "I'm an idiot" or "I'm a failure" due to a situation I don't always have control over.  She said when this happens, I need to stop and think "where is the evidence?"  Immediately an image of a court came into my head, with a prosecutor and defence lawyer, each giving their 'evidence' as it were.  She said that was a good way to think of it.  The prosecutor is saying, "you're an idiot," and the defence then says, "but you tried your best, you did what you could, it's not your fault" and so forth.  The 'evidence' of me being an idiot is just my opinion of myself, and the facts don't support it.

So, in my Mind Palace, I now have a Court.  Next time I get angry, upset, anxious etc, I will take the situation to Court and weigh the evidence carefully before letting my emotions run off too far.  She even had a form for me to fill out which is close to that, that I can use to get my evidence and thoughts down onto.  Hopefully this can help me overcome my irrational emotions a little, and at least calm the storm to a small cloud.

She also said I should try and have some structure in my day.  To a certain extent I am doing that and she showed me where it had a balance of work, rest and play (no Mars Bar though!).  She suggested planning trips out in advance, on top of my scheduled ones, and I did explain that sometimes I just don't want to go out or see anyone.  She said it could be flexible but that I should try and get out more.  This is one thing I struggle with a lot.  Some days I don't want to leave the house.  It's safe here, there are no strangers, no awkward situations, I don't have to deal with crap if I don't want to.  I cna do that for days at a time.  In fact I pretty much stayed in from December 27th to January 6th without going further than local shops or interacting with anyone but my partner and maybe his mum.  With the weather bad, and money tight, it's hard to find a good reason to go out.  Maybe in the summer it will get easier.


David Garrett

Latest Month

June 2017



RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com